Vocational Guidance Counselor

Office set. Man sitting at desk. Mr. Fordalulz is standing waiting. The Counselor looks at his watch and starts the exchange.

Counselor: Ah, Mr Fordalulz. Do sit down.

Fordalulz: Thank you. /sit, huh? Take the weight off the feet, eh?

Counselor: Yes, yes.

Fordalulz: Lovely weather for the time of year, I must say.

Counselor: Enough of this gay banter. And now Mr Fordalulz, you asked us to advise you which player archetype you were best suited for in the game.

Fordalulz: That is correct, yes.

Counselor: Well I now have the results here of the interviews and the Bartle tests that you took last week, and from them we’ve built up a pretty clear picture of the sort of gamer that you are. And I think I can say, without fear of contradiction, that the ideal player type for you is Achiever.

Fordalulz: But I -am- an Achiever.

Counselor: Jolly good! Well, back to the game with you then.

Fordalulz: No! No! No! You don’t understand. I’ve been an Achiever for the last twenty years. I want a new player archetype! Something exciting that will let me live!

Counselor: Well, being an Achiever is rather exciting isn’t it?

Fordalulz: Exciting? No it’s not. It’s dull. Dull. Dull. My God it’s dull, it’s so desperately dull and tedious and stuffy and boring and des-per-ate-ly DULL.

Counselor: Well, er, yes Mr Fordalulz, but you see your report here says that you are an extremely dull person. You see, our experts describe you as an appallingly anal fellow, unimaginative, timid, lacking in initiative, spineless, easily led by tiny rewards, no sense of humor, tedious company and irrepressibly drab and awful. And whereas in most other player types these would be considerable drawbacks, in an Achiever they are a positive boon.

Fordalulz: But don’t you see? I came here to find a new player archetype, a new mindset, a new meaning to my playtime. Can’t you help me?

Counselor: Well, do you have any idea of what you want to do?

Fordalulz: Yes, yes I have.

Counselor: What?

Fordalulz: (boldly) Socializer!

Counselor: Well yes. Yes. Of course, it’s a bit of a jump isn’t it? I mean, er, Achiever to Socializer in one go. You don’t think it might be better if you worked your way toward Socializer, say, via Explorer…

Fordalulz: No, no, no, no. No, I don’t want to wait! At nine o’clock tomorrow I want to be in there, socializing!

Counsellor: Fine, fine. But do you, do you have any qualifications?

Fordalulz: Yes, I’ve got a hat

Counsellor: A hat?

Fordalulz: Yes, a hat! A Socializer hat! A hat with ‘Socializer’ on it. I got it at the game store. And it lights up saying ‘Socializer’ in great big neon letters, so that you can socialize after dark when they’re more likely to cyber.

Counsellor: I see, I see.

Fordalulz: And you take it off during the day time, and claim it towards your “Hat Master” achievement, and your “Continental Trinket Collector” achievement at the same time as it says on the website, and…

Counselor: Yes, yes, yes, I do follow, Mr Fordalulz, but you see the snag is… if I now call a guildmaster and say to him, “look here, I’ve got a forty-five-year-old Achiever with me who wants to become a Socializer”, his first question is not going to be “does he have his own hat?” He’s going to ask what sort of experience you’ve had with people.

Fordalulz: Well I… I’ve seen them around.

Counselor: Good, good, good.

Fordalulz: Things running around in non-combat armor, talking in /say with old English words all the time. I don’t know what all the fuss is about, I could socialize with one of those. They look pretty social to start with.

Counsellor: And these, er, these people… how do they talk?

Fordalulz: (indicating a crummy English accent) Well they talketh like this, thou knowst. They don’t frighten me at all.

Counselor: Really. And are these avatars always well dressed in matching pieces of armor?

Fordalulz: Yes, that’s right.

Counselor: Er, well, Mr Fordalulz… I’m afraid what you’ve got hold of there is a roleplayer.

Fordalulz: A what?

Counselor: A roleplayer. Not a person. You see a roleplayer is a savage beast, always pedantic about immersion, constantly correcting you, constantly complaining about non-roleplayers, running convoluted storylines where they are always the star, creating massive amounts of drama and they can report you to the GMs for no reason other than you being in their vicinity talking out of character before you can say “but I pay my $15 just like you”. And they look… like this.

The Counselor produces large picture of a Cosplayer in a convention and shows it to Mr Fordalulz who screams and passes out.

After a moment Mr Fordalulz sits up trying to collect his wits.

Counselor: Now, shall I call that guildmaster?

Fordalulz: Er, no, no, no. I think your idea of making the transition to Socializing via easy stages, say via Killer…

Counselor: Or Explorer.

Fordalulz: Or Explorer, yes, yes! Explorer! That’s a man’s life, isn’t it? Exploring, travel, excitement, adventure, thrills, decisions affecting people’s lives.

Counselor: Jolly good, well, er, shall I put you in touch with a guild of Explorers?

Fordalulz: Yes.

Counselor: Fine.

Fordalulz: Er… no, no, no. Look, er, it’s a big decision, I’d like a couple of weeks to think about it… er… you know, don’t want to jump into it too quickly. I have to know if all my completed achievements carry over. Maybe three weeks. I have to check the list of Exploring achievements. And the ones in all my alts too. I could let you know definitely then, I just don’t want to make this definite decision. I’m er…
(continues muttering nervously to himself)

Counselor: (turning to camera) Well this is just one of the all too many cases on our books of Achiever Archetype. The only way that we can fight this terrible debilitating social disease, is by informing the general public of its consequences by showing young people that it’s just not worth it. So, please… give generously… to this address:
The League for Fighting Achiever Archetype,
55 Lincoln House, Basil Street, London SW3.

(thanks for all the lulz MP)