[GW2] The Late Fool’s Guild Wars 2 Contest for the Insane

There’s a definite disturbance in the Mists when it comes to the Guild Wars 2 in-game store. Until people get comfortable playing the game the theorycrafting on this subject is just going to enrage many people. Serene minds prevail here and there, but it’s like breathing less to stop global warming.

So, on this humble blog let’s theorycraft, I say. Let’s theorycraft some crazy. ArenaNet is stockpiled with people of multitudinal imaginations, and there must be white boards filled with gem store crazies. Let’s help them add more from across the internet.

What are some crazy or fun gem store items you would like? Let’s make this fun too. Whichever comrades come up with best crazy, cool gem shop items [decided by me], they will win prizes (must have valid email with entry) from Kill Ten Rats. The current prizes are: (1) a sealed Guild Wars platinum edition, (2) a never been opened Art of Guild Wars hardcover, (3) two original [“official”] prints of artwork created and signed by Katy Hargrove* (4) 8 Guild Wars skill pins**, and (5) some amount of gems/gold on Guild Wars 2 launch***.

First place gets first choice, second place second choice, etc.  ArenaNet employees are not eligible; go write on your own white boards. Non-North American people, I will do my best to cover shipping costs. You might have to work with me if you win and default to (5) or help me with shipping costs.

You may enter as many times as you wish. Please one comment per entry. Important note: You are not designing an item that will go into the game, this is purely conceptual. Deadline is April 25, 2012.


Cleaning the Fridge (cost about $1) – Consumable

Using this item randomly sends a letter to 10 random guildies explaining that you had to clean out your asuran microbial stasis food protection device. Each letter contains a random, weird piece of food, such as Roast March Hare (50% chance of speed boost for 1 sec. after each jump), Undead Thundershrimp Sashimi (gain 30 seconds of poison and regeneration), or Half-Eaten Schoolyard Lunch (For 30 seconds you cannot walk/run, but dodging costs no endurance).

Maddening Display of Nauseous Accentuations (cost about $1) – Consumable

For 30 minutes your clothes randomly change dye colors to any dye color every 2 minutes.

Good Luck!


*One print is an early design concept of a more lizardlike Coatl with some minor flaws from where hanging magnets affected the ink, and the other is a two-page print for a papercraft “Oink Bank”. As far as I know the “Oink Bank” is unpublished.

**The pins are Aura of Displacement, Power Return, Gift of Health, two Distracting Shots, and three Meteor Showers.

***I am figuring a buck or two worth of gems. I will deliver them to your character in whatever form I can be it sending gold so you can buy the gems at the market or just raw gems.

Legal Skritt: This contest has no cash value, is not endorsed by ArenaNet or affiliates, and is void where prohibited. Enter at your own risk. Contestants must be of legal age to enter based on location of contestant.

120 thoughts on “[GW2] The Late Fool’s Guild Wars 2 Contest for the Insane”

  1. Potion of Pyrotechnics (Cost about $1) – Consumable

    For 1 minute you can ditch that plastic bag feel and unleash the spark inside of you, you’ll have your own private fireworks show in your heart. Own the night as your chest erupts in a colourful blend of patented Asuran concoctions.

    (Discalimer: May make those around you go “Oh, oh, oh, oh.” Use at your own Risk)

    First attempt. Don’t ask me why this popped into my head. I have no idea as well :S

    1. Out of Group Orb – ($0.99 for 3)
      Tired of being grouped up with the same people (noobs) for the past hour and a half, but don’t want to hurt their feelings by leaving? Then fear not! by using the Out of Group Orb, you can escape your group through one of three ways:

      1) Faking server instability – Your entire party will be disconnected, from the login screen you can login as offline, then when asked later you can say “I couldn’t get back on.”

      2) Having your character create an excellent excuse to leave, such as “Sorry guys, I have to go; my fishbowl is on fire.”

      3) Faking a ban by having Dhuum appear and murder your character, making them disappear from your party’s friends list.

  2. Bird’s Eye Balloon ($5)… reusable, perpetual, “bound to account” or the like

    Use of this object lets loose a balloon where you stand, which is then treated as your point of view in the world until you choose to return to your previous camera. You may move it up or down, but it drifts with the wind.

    …you could, of course, make some sort of Springbound Sparrow or something that’s fully controllable, but the ‘Balloon is an attempt to constrain spying somewhat but still allow for a view that could be useful for tactical or screenshot considerations. I, for one, would love some sort of fully controllable remote camera, but that tends to be something of a hard sell.

  3. Okay I’m going to have to think about this.

    I’d love to hear those around me go “Oh! Oh! Oh!” though :P

  4. Skill Pin (about $5, permanent)

    Displays a chosen skill or trait icon next to your name, both above your head and in chat. This lets you pick a particular skill or trait to display to everyone, summarizing what you like to do. Mostly for LFG purposes, but also great for people who like to show off their inventive loadout.

  5. Attuned Dyes (around $5)

    A set of dyes, usable only be Elementalists, that change color based on your current element. So you can have clothes that are red when attuned to fire, blue when attuned to water, and so on. (ArenaNet can decide on the final colors.) In addition to the main color, includes a lighter and darker shade.

  6. Sylvari Poet Contract (about $15, lasts a week) consumable

    A sylvari poet follows your character around in explorable areas and towns. While they are following you, they will play music and sing about your character’s accomplishments. The songs will be based on your character’s actual achievements, titles, and progress in the personal story mode. Of course, the singing is audible, so this would be a rather fancy item.

  7. Asuran Duplication Device: (~$5)
    One time use item. This item scans your character and creates a minipet of your character. It has the same items (including dye choices) as you are wearing at the time of the pet’s creation, and it has your character’s name (With Mini- at the front).

  8. Ancient Hero mini-pet (around $5)

    A mini-pet of one of your Guild Wars 1 characters.

    (Obviously technically difficult. Probably involves registering your characters at an NPC in Guild Wars 1, like the mercenary heroes feature.)

  9. Infinite Mini-Me’s: (Cost about $5)- Permanent

    It’s a mini pet that looks exactly like your character (it would be on the larger side of miniatures). That mini pet also has a mini pet that looks exactly like your character. That mini pet ALSO has an identical mini pet. This would continue until the mini-mini’s could no longer be seen.

  10. Been There, Done That (~$10) – consumable

    The character that uses this has their XP boosted to match the highest-level character on your account, and unlocks every waypoint any character on your account has unlocked.

    (Because sometimes you want to play an alt, but not redo stuff you’ve done before. Hopefully the game design will make this mostly unimportant, but I would’ve liked something like this in Guild Wars 1; I wanted to do War in Kryta with an alt.)

  11. Glitter Jump: (Pack of 3 for about $1)- Consumable

    Only usable in town, lasts until you leave that town. Every time you jump, your feet leave a glittery and glowing light trail behind you. The trails disappears very quickly after each jump.

  12. With the in-game mail system being instant and always accessible, it should be an ideal long-form messaging system. Providing players with the ability to style their messages in a manner that still fits into the game world would be wonderful. My thoughts:

    Stationary ($1/stack)

    Purchase custom stationary for the letters you write. Multiple styles available.

    Broad-edged Fountain Pen ($3)

    Allows you to write letters in an italic script.

    Flex Nib Fountain Pen ($3)

    Allows you to write letters in a Spencerian script.

  13. Personal Pet – ArenaNet to decide price. I am guessing there are people who would pay upwards of $1000 for this, though.

    An individually-designed mini-pet based off a photograph of your actual, real-life pet.

    Seriously. It only has to look vaguely like the actual pet. Obsession does 99% of the heavy lifting.

  14. You Are Hardcore (account unlock) – $15.

    Map travel transformation. Disables map travel. When attempting to map travel your character instead spawns a mount and autopilots to the appropriate location no matter how long it takes. Note that you will path through mobs and they will dismount you.

    Be able to blog about how you play the game the right way, the MMO way, because map travel stops the game from being an MMO!

  15. Celebration home instance packages:
    They’re a mix of banners, balloons and other party props that you “send” to someone’s home instance as a gift.

    – You can write whatever you want on it.
    – You can choose the design; pink bunnies or red skulls.
    – You may even be able to choose a particular soundtrack, or a small parade that follows the player.

    The player can accept the gift when they enter their home instance and they’re told the identity of the sender (be that nickname, account name, or actual name).
    Comes in packs of 2, 5 or 10.

  16. Hall Of Monuments Justification Pack (~$10-$20)

    Gives you a random armor/weapon/mini(?) modeled after something place-able in the Hall. Also includes special “nose-thumb” emote.

    Scar Pack ($5?)

    Layers one of a selection of scars onto your character’s face. Scar examples: claws across nose; vertical slash across eye, possibly inc. eyepatch; Joker style. Comes individually, style chosen at purchase.

  17. “Funny Farm”: any pets tamed by a Ranger on your account can be added/enabled to roam through your home instance for any character on your account.

    (Stolen from an april fools swg post) “don’t eat my stuff!” A 2-day consumable satiates your pet. Hungry pets will devour one item from your storage per hour, whether you are logged in or not.

  18. Tale of a Hero:

    You recieve a virtual customized novel that narrates the feats that you realized with a fantasy literature feeling.
    The novel’s tone is also modified by your character personality/race:
    – Fierce characters get more lines on their combat prowess, while charming ones get more lines on their diplomacy ability.
    – Asura characters get a sage scientist as the narrator, while charr get a legion officer.

    Included comes a comprehensible list that gathers gameplay data so far:
    – Avoidable skills that hit you the most.
    – Most/least used skills.
    – Distribution of support, attack or control skills used by the player.

  19. Personal Bobblehead ($5)

    Decorate your home with a bobblehead of your hero!

    Public Speaking Tonic ($5)
    All other players appear in their underwear for 10 minutes.

    Mr. Klipp ($1)
    A Mr. Klipp (an Asuran) pops up with helpful advice from time to time. For example, “I see you are trying to craft a bronze hilt. Perhaps try combining…”

    This is Not a Joke ($3)
    Tonic that turns your hero into an oddly familiar humanoid Panda.

  20. Potion of invisibility. Consumable (1 gem, lasts 1 hour)

    Doesn’t affect armor or items, just flesh. Want to stealth? Get naked…otherwise just look cool. And if you act now, get free rave sticks that glow in the dark while the effect lasts!

    Imagine your armor dancing with Glowing Rave sticks…but without you!

  21. Shazam! (consumable 10 for 1$)

    Double click to use
    A bolt of thunder hits you and teleports you to the nearest town leaving a black electrified mark where you left and arrive.

  22. DelMonte Python ($15) Lasts 1 week

    A small human follows you around clapping coconut halves together whenever you’re running outside of combat. Speed of clapping is relative to actual speed (slower clapping when walking, faster when running under speed boosts.) Other players can hear the coconuts as well. Talking to DelMonte will provide you with thoughtful insights as to the migration patterns of Sparrows, and other current events.

  23. Asuran Automated Jet Pack (~$5)

    Use a jet pack to fly your character to the very skies so you can see across all of Tyria. Once at the highest point in the sky you can use the Paraglyder 9000 to land back down. Flight is automated and not character driven.

    Please note that we are not responsible for any faults while using the Paraglyder 9000 leading to death or if you attract any Elder Dragons. By using this item the player acknowledges that he/she is responsible for their own survival against any Elder Dragons and understand that any weapons cannot be used while mounting the Asuran Jet Pack.

  24. I’m on fire

    You’re actually on fire and cannot walk, you can only run 33% faster than normal, you can’t use any skills when on fire and must be fully submerged for it to end.
    Touching other players when on fire is setting them on fire too! Mayhem!!!

  25. Ribbon (3-pack) ($1)

    You can tie these anywhere on your character. The color is selected on purchase. No limit.

  26. Priceless Fabergé Egg (about $1)

    A priceless — but cursed — fabergé egg that sits in your inventory. Every so often, bad luck causes your character to trip and the egg goes flying up into the air. If it falls to the ground without being caught, the egg breaks and is gone forever. If you successfully complete every explorable mode dungeon (all 24 variants) without the egg breaking, you can take it to Stonemist Castle (which your World must own), where it hatches into a jewel-encrusted black moa miniature that will serve as a testament to your skill and perseverance.

  27. Shot of Rarefied Rollerbeetle (£0.99)

    For 5 minutes, sparks fly from under your feet and behind your ears. You move with a 33% speed boost and shout phrases such as “Let’s Roll!” and “Bangarang!”.
    Whilst under the effect of Shot of Rarefied Rollerbeetle, whenever you dodgeroll you will roll perfectly straight for 30 seconds flat at a greatly increased speed, you will be unable to redirect your character from this course (so dodge wisely! Any people(NPC or player characters) who get in your way are bowled aside and knocked on their behind.
    When you stop rolling you immediately throw up.

  28. “Not a casual” Title – one character only- cost $20
    Orders you a Pizza from your nearest takeaway because you are too involved in gaming to stop and alt-tab or call your local take away store for food.

    “Hardcore gamer” Title – all Characters – $100
    Trained nurse is contacted to come to your home to fit a catheter so you don’t need to stop gaming even to take a pee.

  29. Voodoo Doll (Bundle weapon) (10 for $ 2,99)

    Equipping this doll gives you 4 set skills

    1 Entrap soul: when a soul of a foe or other player is entrapped you can use the following skills.
    using a skill will consume the doll and revert some of the skills damage back to the player.

    2 Enflame: you set the doll on fire causing the enemy to burn and flee, self damage: you burn your hands and cannot use your skills for 20 seconds.

    3 Break: you throw the doll to the ground causing it to break, this will knock back, knock down and cripple the enemy for 30 seconds, self damage: you get knocked down for 10 seconds.

    4 Pierce: You stab a needle in the doll causing your enemy to get deep wound, bleeding and armor damage for 20 seconds, self damage: you start bleeding for 10 seconds.

    This item has a cooldown period of one hour

  30. Pied Pipe ($10)

    This intricately carved wooden pipe replaces both weapons and slots skills that let you control the small wildlife of the zone.

    The animals are still awful in combat but many people will have fun trying to take down large prey with a swarm of bunnies and chickens.

  31. Tonic of T-Pain ($5, Duration: 5 story missions)

    For the next 5 story missions, your character’s voice will be auto-tuned during all speaking parts in cut scenes. You will also wear a top hat (only in the missions themselves, not outside of them.)

  32. THIS IS [insert your guild name here] !!!

    Guild shout device (usable item 1 use) ($ 0,99)

    Use this item in pvp and shout your guilds name over the battlefield.
    Everyone from your guild currently on the battlefield get’s into his/her underwear(does not effect armor), wears a long red cape and insta grows a black beard for 5 minutes.

  33. Co-op emote packs $2.50 for 5

    Examples; high-fives, hugs, tango, rock paper scissors, asura punting, arm wrestling, etc…

    Some could even function as minigames such as having to time skill triggers in armwestling to overpower your oponent.

  34. Asuran Ergonomotologist (about $5, one month) consumable

    This will enlist the help of an asuran ergonomotologist. This npc will remind you to get up and stretch or take a break. You and other players nearby will be able to hear his instructions. On occasion he will lead you and your character in yoga or Pilates routines that you can follow along at home! If you have registered a webcam with your account it can register your movements and earn you bonus experience for your character.

  35. Fool’s Gold!

    (one use item) ($ 0,99)

    Double click the item and it turns you into a gold coin lying on the ground.
    If someone picks you up, they turn into the gold coin(which can be picked up again and again and again by other players) and you are set free (laughing and pointing is allowed)
    Effect ends if you are picked up by another player or if the 10 minute timer expires(resets at every pickup), end effect you get one gold coin.
    [can only be used in towns or outposts]

  36. “Bring friends”, $1, single use, can be used in cities only, lasts until you leave the cities for combat areas.

    A flavor item that summons copies of all significant friendly characters from your personal story thus far (your current warband and Rytlock as a charr, for example). They stand around you and will chat with anyone who talks to them about the events in your story and what you did. A way to publicly display your story path.

  37. Tome of strange happenings
    10$ (multiple use)

    Under specific circumstances, will point you towards a randomly chosen dynamic event that you haven’t experienced yet.

  38. “Summon Johanson”
    Single use

    Summons the character Colin Johanson, played by Colin Johanson. Has the following skills:

    Swing sword
    Swing sword (again)

    Both of these do massive damage.

    He stays online until killed, or needs to eat.

  39. Potion of Naming

    pop the cork on this potion, pour it on your favorite mini-pet and gain the ability to name it, and have its name visible to all…one use per mini-pet only

    so now that orange tabby can be uniquely yours, forever known as tangerine, charr-le-maine, or tiger lily!

  40. Carebear Pet (cost: one trololololo) – Bound to Account; Permanent

    Spawns a cute little carebear of your choice that will occasionally shout out: “I am UB3r L337!” in a loud, squeaky, high-pitched voice so that other players around can hear and know that you are about to rock their world.

  41. Craftmaster’s Gear.

    Crafting skill related vanity clothing with special city-only “weapons”.
    Blacksmithing: An greasy apron with a hammer that has a special animation when near an anvil.
    Cooking: A chef’s hat and uniform, and a cooking knife that throw stakes at other player’s faces.

    Half price off for characters who already master that specific skill.

  42. Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy (cost: one towel) – Account Bound, Permanent

    A guide that, cleverly enough, will summon a very depressed robotic voice that will calmly, but sadly, say to you: “Don’t Panic.” This provides a buff that will make it so you will temporarily be able to withstand the Vogon Captain’s Very Bad Poetry (TM). It also temporarily boosts your understanding of Asuran mathematical computations to the point where you can contribute to their conversation simply by saying: “42!” It will blow their minds.

    Cool down – until the end of the universe.

  43. Face dancer’s potion – $1 – consumable

    A hylek potion that causes your face to randomly change every few seconds for half an hour. Your race and gender remain the same, but every other variable is randomized at each change. At the end of the half hour, you revert to your own face.

  44. “Achoo!” (Asuran Commissioned Heuristic Orbital Observation)
    A contract with an Asuran meteorologist which temporarily allows her to use you in her experiments.

    For use in all explorable areas. For 10 minutes whenever you would be knocked back or knocked down, you are knocked strait up in the air instead.
    (Only the animation of the knockback are changed, all other knockback effects remain the same, including distance, interruptions and conditions.)

  45. Asuran Party Golems

    One Time Use comes in packs of 5 for a dollar.

    Deploy the Asuran Party Golems that will “compel” nearby party-goers to sing and dance as long as they are functioning (thinking 10 minutes)

    In-Depth description.
    The player will use these items and 5 Asruan Golems, each a different color will surround him/her. Any player that comes within a certain distance of a golem will begin to either dance or sing if they stand still for more than a few seconds.

  46. Adventurer’s Knee Pads
    Consumable, $1
    Grants immunity to the crippled condition for one hour. Ineffective against arrows.

  47. Curse of Zhaitan:

    1 use, $5.00, 3min

    Polymorph into a lesser dragon with 5 new skills.
    Damage increases from damage dealt.
    Damage increases from damage received.

  48. Frickin’ Lazer beam – 30 minutes – upgrade for your pet shark. Adds a lazer beam to your shark’s head. Lazer sets targets on fire for 3 seconds. You draw extra aggro due to being unable to control your maniacle laugh.

  49. Thralls of Romance – Price $50

    Combo package

    Kissing Emote

    Embrace Emote

    Marriage proposal Emote

    “Will you bear my childern?” emote

    Groping emote (including slaping emote with slap imprint.)

  50. Bunny Hopper Potion (Consumable) – $2

    Jump continuously without requiring the use of the jump button. Lasts 30 minutes

  51. Pandora’s Box – $10

    Upon opening all player characters in the area are subjected to the following conditions for 30 seconds: confusion, cripple, vulnerability & weakness.
    Cannot be used in structured PVP

  52. The Funny Bone (Consumable) – $2

    All player characters and NPCs in the area perform the /laugh emote for 10 seconds.

    Can be used in cities only.

  53. Pole Dance Emote ($1)- Unlock

    Once you start doing the emote, your character’s armor is rendered invisible, you automatically open all mail and take all gold that other players send you, and you start losing karma at a rate of one karma every 30 minutes. If at any time during the emote’s animation that your karma reaches zero, the emote is canceled, your character is visibly aged to “elderly”, your character cannot use this emote again, and your healing skill’s effectiveness is doubled. Any attempt to use the emote after receiving the “Elderly Nurse” debuff will give you the cripple condition for 30 minutes. This emote can only be used in town. This emote can be used by both genders.

  54. Pet costumes, ~$10 (same as character costumes), permanent account-wide

    Provides a costume that can be placed on any ranger pet of a given family (all canines, for instance). The more tacky and unbelievable, the better. Dress your dog as a bumblebee, or as a cartoony Zhaitan!

  55. Glistening Oil (Item Upgrade, single use):

    Can be applied to weapon, gloves, or pair of boots. The given item leaves a glowing “trail” when used (for boots, when moving; for gloves, when dancing; for weapon, when swung or fired).

  56. And some prank upgrades:

    Valley Girl Chewing Gum (consumable):

    When eaten, your character will perform a “chewing” animation even when resting, and randomly insert the string “… like …” into any text typed into chat.

    Perfume of Teenage Awkwardness (consumable):

    When applied, text typed into chat while adjacent to another character of the same race and opposite sex has a random chance of coming out as unintelligible mumble. When this happens, your character will stare downward while awkwardly shuffling his/her feet.

    Glowing Glamour (consumable):

    When applied, your character will be highlighted by shining aura, and flavour NPCs you pass by will oooh and aah at your presence. Should two characters with this aura active become adjacent to each other, both will be knocked prone by their mutual magnificence.

    Glamour of Humility (consumable):

    Appears to all except the original purchaser to be a Glowing Glamour. Once active, NPCs will ooh and aah as before, but then snigger behind the character’s back. When the effect is 2/3 expired, the character will begin to suffer hiccups and comic flatulence.

  57. Sparkle Pony Mount – $10

    An epic ground mount that increases movement speed by 150%

    “Why fast travel when you can show off?”

  58. Beer Goggles

    While you wear these fashionable goggles, all jotun npcs instead appear as sexy norn. No effect during daytime.

  59. Potion of Beggar Translation (consumable, 1 hr duration)

    Translates the string “plz” into the actual word “please” in all chat channels.

    Leet Shield (item, cost $500)
    Connected to powerful AI and natural language processors in ArenaNet’s data centre, this handy item detects when another player is telling you that you are “playing your character wrong” and pre-emptively puts them on your ignore list. Worth every penny – in fact, given the quotes I saw at work last week for natural langugage systems the price may be a little low…

  60. “You sir, are a Troll” – Elite skill. (cost, $50)

    Targets player directly in front of your character, and transforms them into a troll (Duration 10 minutes). All their skills are transformed into Troll emotes (Scratch Backside, Pick Nose, Trip Over Own Feet, Look Around In Wonder etc.), and anything they type into the chat bar will turn into the string: “*grunts*”.

  61. Potion of Grim Death (cost $2)

    The next time your character is defeated, they will perform a dramatic death sequence including clutching their own throat and reaching blindly into the air, while making choking noises.

    1. Clone And Seek (say about $2)

      Useable item. Can only be used in cities (probably, might be interesting to allow it in other zones too). When used it creates a number of clones (say about three per party member) in random places around the city and the party will have to find them all before the time runs out (say 15 minutes… but that number might have to be tweaked). When a clone is found it will need to be lead back to the original caster. If succeeded all participants get some random price (maybe some karma or some buff items or such), though the point is more to have it as a fun little game than as a way to get something.

  62. Asuran eloquence -elite skill. (cost 50$)

    You start insulting your target in a way only a supremely intelligent asura can stacking random conditions on your target with every insult. Your target becomes dazzled by your wit and can’t do anything but agree with everything you say for the next 10 minutes.

  63. Grumpy Charr – it is not known whether this is alcohol, catnip or something completely different, but it is said to be the reason Charr tend to be surly first thing in the morning. Definitely consumable, highly psychedelic visual effect, counts for sweets, alcohol and party simultaneously, -10 reputation for an hour after it wears off.

  64. Mesmer’s Mirror – creates double the normal number of illusions at half strength, breaks upon conclusion bringing seven hours bad luck.

  65. Boomerang daggers – turns dagger attacks into flashy ranged attacks which have a chance of spinning back to strike the user (along with anything else in the way).

  66. The Mad Bomber’s Kilt – allows any class to equip a special elite skill “Keg-chucking” which grants the power to light and throw explosive kegs but beware! These kegs damage everyone not just enemies. Sure to be a blast for all nearby!

  67. Attention seeker – purchasable for anyone on your blocked list, this gift to the world moves them into a “quiet corner” special chat channel with others of their kind and prevents them from bothering anyone for an hour.

  68. Special Delivery – sends a flaming bag of Yak dung to the doorstep of the recipient’s home instance. Available in Large and Extra-large, if not immediately attacked it will emit plumes of smoke and cause nausea to anyone within. Upon successful defeat of the bag, a splatter-animation will ensue followed by the horrified inquiry “What is that SMELL?”

  69. Portable sunlamp- Sylvari never know when they may need a little extra solar power so one enterprising young leaf hired an asura to develop a mobile source of light and heat. Similar in appearancethe to a wartorch this item does almost no combat damage but offsets cold damage and restores stamina for sylvari while casting an area of light in dark places.

  70. The boudoir appearance pack – equippable only in a home instance, this adult-themed appearance pack lets people fly their freak-flag high. Optional home dungeon add-on and candle-and-roses mods sold separately.

  71. Broken Infinite Improbability Drive
    When used, causes unlikely or impossible events to occur. Created by using a poorly functioning finite improbability drive. Both generally regarded as failures.
    Some potential events: 1. Causes the world to explode, then time to rewind to 15 seconds before the explosion. 2. Spawns random marine animals. 3. Character gets dropped from 500m in the air. 4. Resets the dynamic event. 4. Turns random nearby creature into a potted plant. 5. Teleports user to random location. 6. Everything stops existing to everything else in range for 15 seconds. 7. Summons a random boss to location.

  72. Noisy Cricket nod to MIB – super-small gun fires devastating explosive round while throwing firer into back-roll. One shot only, total pay to win.

  73. Unterseaboot: for those times when you don’t actually want to splash around un the water, this summoning stone conjures an entire U-boat for your aquatic convenience. Torpedoes cost extra.

  74. Craft time! While Kraftwerk techno thumps in the background, gain 10% on your crafting experience.

  75. Pop Rocks Disaster!
    Your pop rocks rocked with just a little too much pop. Causes eating animation followed by head explosions.

  76. Rope of the simians – allows player to swing down from any wall, rampart or other high place providing that they holler the Tarzan call the whole way down. Usable once per day.

  77. Banhammer – changes your warhammer into a nerf-like squeeky toy which can be used anywhere to interrupt annoying conversations with a visual of stars and birdies.

  78. Map to the Stars – shows the location and claimed talents of every Asura in Rata Sum. In-game effect: causes all Asura you encounter to tell you why they should have been on the map and why each of the people on the current map are unworthy. Can only be traded to another player, cannot be destroyed.

  79. Universal Remote -allows any character to take control of a golem from a distance for the next 60 seconds. Craftable by Asura, must be purchased by all others (non-transferable).

  80. The Good Old Days! – 10$

    Single use daily item
    Flavor text: Do you miss the old days? When quests where simpler and had you running back and forth? When quest objectives and givers were clearly marked for you and did not move, ever? Well worry no more with The Good Old Days you can bring the feeling back – for someone else. Use of this item places a large glowing “!” over the targets head and roots them in place for 2 minutes. The character will cycle though idle animation normally and respond with “Good Day!” each time they are clicked by other players. The players location will also be clearly marked on the mini map for all to see.
    (only usable inside WvW keeps, and supply depots)

    1. Too funny! Might as well have one that provides access to a text adventure or line-art dungeon!

    2. Ooh, nice idea. Though not sure about giving someone something that roots others in place for two minutes; way too open for abuse. So perhaps, inspired by this idea, something similar…

      Kill Ten Rats ($5)

      Spawns an NPC with a large, glowing “!” over their head. When talking to the NPC they’ll give the player a quest to “kill ten rats”. As an added twist there are a total of ten killable rats hidden throughout the entire game world (and each can only be killed once by that player while on this quest). When succeeded might give a title such as “Killer of Rats”.

      1. hmm yeah the root may be too much, but I also think its an important part.

        Proposed change: Roots the player in place, idle animations proceed as normal, when clicked they give the “quest” and and the voice over work says “Good Day!”. When the quest is given 10 “mangy” rats are spawned at the players feet and scamper about in a 30 yards area. The user of the item (as it was done to another player) then has to kill all 10 mangy rats. When that is done the root is removed and the target of the item gets a big glowing “?” mark over their head for an hour with a buff of 1% increased exp gain.
        If the rats are not killed, the root is removed in 2 min with no exp buff given.

  81. Make like a tree – enhances the origins of Sylvari to cause them to more closely resemble nearby shrubbery. Multiple sylvari can clump together to provide a tiering effect with a path.

  82. Freebooter- consumable removes name and guild affiliation from above your character; replaces guild emblems with the Jolly Roger skull and crossbones. Enables attacks against and from all sources. Enables pirate hornswoggling messages. Yargh!

  83. Relic of the Ages – lets you import one item from GW 1 to your home instance of GW 2 where it is placed in a display case forever.

  84. Internet Tie-In Packs — $10 ea.

    Depending on your choice of pack, unlocks specially-themed items on your account. Schlock Pack: Unlocks the “Strohl Plasma Cannon Rifle” and “Layer Snake” mini-pet; LolCats Pack: Unlocks the utility skills “Enough Already” (all shouts and mesmer skills are deactivated) and “Invisible Bicycle” (move 50% faster for 5s, while floating 2ft off the ground). Other packs pending.

    1. I would consider paying for a “Peanut butter jelly time” emote that invokes a banana costume and plays the song with suitable dancing!

  85. 2 grams of Ganja – $5 – Consumable (5)

    Light up a fat joint Gangsta style. Randomly start laughing, eating when you see food (can give boons or conditions), blurs your sight. Slows down the consumer to 20% for the entire time but whenever the consumer hears music he/she will start to burst out in slowmo dancing.

    Will remain active for 1 hour or until consumer performs the sleep command. May hallucinate during nap time.

  86. I know you said 1 comment per entry, but these kind of go together (same theme)

    Emote unlock /Fart ($5)
    Character farts in in your general direction!
    Character meanwhile says :”Your mother was a hamster and your father smelled of elderberries!”

    Emote unlock /Mount ($5)
    Character starts jumping around on 2 legs in a horselike fashion while slapping 2 halfs of coconuts against each other.

  87. Sophie’s walking stick.

    This item is a staff. When equipped, the character is changed into an old woman.

  88. Power

    Permanent effect, $20

    Provides a glowing aura of power. Idle players nearby lacking this aura will occasionally use the /complain emote.

    May cause spontaneous forum fires.

  89. Omen – causes one of several random but threatening omens to appear in the sky such as comet, blood moon, dark shadows, etc.

  90. De Inflatermaus: consumable, balloons up character’s midsection while shrinking limbs and head causing character to appear to float and bump along. Non-combat only.

  91. Arcanoweave White Glove – ~ $1

    Targets another player. Causes a Magitech White Glove to teleport to their location and slap them across the face. They have the option of accepting or denying the challenge.

    If they accept, the two of you are instantly transported to a private-instanced arena where you face each other in one-on-one combat (best two out of three rounds).

    If they deny, you get your glove back and can’t challenge them again for an hour.

  92. Sky pilot – $5.00 – causes an Asura flying machine to write a 15-text character message across the sky of a major city. Display lasts for 10the minutes.

  93. Clockwork Lemming

    Summons a clockwork lemming that shambles towards the nearest cliff and jumps over, emitting a backdraft that pulls nearby enemies over the cliff as well.

  94. Flock of Seagulls — causes a bunch of seagulls to descend from the air, flutter about the characters head for a few seconds the depart leaving behind a rad new wave hairdo on the character. $1.00.

  95. Bag of Minuscule Holding – $1.00. Creates a 1-slot bag. Multiple purchases are available.

  96. Costume: Oversized White Bread Light Armor

    Look your best in this dandy Oversized White Bread Light Armor Mask. Forged in the deepest ovens of the Black Citadel, this durable yet comfortable mask comes complete with pre-molded face hole. It is the perfect accessory for the fashion conscious charr.

    *Racially restricted to charr and particularly hairy asura.

    **Equipping the Oversized White Bread Light Armor Mask initiates a new server wide event, “Going Viral.” Players wearing the Oversized White Bread Light Armor Mask must run to the nearest asura gate, open a portal, and stare into it. All other players can also run to the nearest asura gate and stare back.

    Bronze: 0 Gold
    Silver: 0 Gold 10 Karma
    Gold: 0 Gold 20 Karma +15 Charming -10 Dignity -5 Ferocity

  97. Paint Huffer – unlockable only after acquiring and using at least five different dye sets, this causes your character to spin around and fall down, then get up with a random paint color smeared on their face and visual blurring on the screen. -20 to all stats for 1 hour. Free download.

  98. I know it is beyond silly by now and don’t mean to be a pest with so many entries, but it is kind of fun! Okay, last one I swear: Giant Hand ($5.00) – this giant humanoid hand is reusable and can be deployed in several ways: 1) spring mounted vertically to pop up at random; 2) laterally mounted at doorways and arches to swing to hit passers by; and 3) floor-mounted to fling people or things a short distance. Safety nets not included.

  99. Developer Spawn-$25

    A developer and his avatar will join you for 30 minutes of game time. He can join groups and will participate in much but not all game content. Let’s be reasonable after all. :) We can’t expect a developer to give away secrets or give an unfair advantage. However, I expect many players would value a little one on one time and/or coaching, if just for nothing else but the fun of it all. If I have priced this correctly, this would compensate Arena for their cost, zero sum.

  100. Oldschool Gamer:
    Consumable item (5 gems / item)
    -everytime the player types, the character raises his/her hand in a very oldschool manner.

    Title (Descendant of Alesia)(50 Gems)
    Only usable by humans
    -While the title is active, your character wears a white monk outfit,looses all hair, randomly yells “Monks forever”/”Remember the healers”/”Monks pwn everything”
    and as soon as a foe comes in compass range, your character will rush to it, if there is more than one, a random one (except the closest one) will be chosen

    Consumable Item (20 gems)
    -Your skin turns black, your hair white
    -You randomly laugh in a very evil manner
    -You bow before every spider-mob and are unable to attack it, if any player attacks it you will attack that player and heal the spider-mob
    -you get a new skill, “sacrifice to Lolth”, wich lets you backstab a player to summon a handmaiden of Lolth, who might grant you a random buff, or kill you

  101. Okay, okay just one more regarding minis:

    Price: $500.00 — gets you the stupid Polar Bear mini that I’ve been trying to get for the last FIVE YEARS of wasted holiday and vacation time, lets you spend time with friends and loved ones instead of grinding grinches into powder.

  102. Asuran Love Helper Tonic ($2.00, unlimited uses)

    This little helper transforms you into a more “handsome” version of yourself increasing your attractiveness to the opposite sex.

    Asuran male: You grow WAY bigger ears. Also they start sparkling.
    Asuran female: Your eyes turn into highly efficient energy gems. Also, they sparkle

    Charr male: You grow way bigger claws. Also, they look like they’re made of steel and sparkle.
    Charr female: Your fur turns pink. And sparkles.

    Sylvari male: You’re surrounded by a cloud of sparkling spurs.
    Sylvari female: You grow several (new) blossoms. Also, they sparkle.

    Norn male: In your Norn form, you grow sparkling fur or feathers (depending on your favorite spirit)
    Norn female: You grow ridiculously big breasts. They can almost be used as a weapon. A ranged weapon.

    Human male: You start speaking with Rytlock’s voice.
    Human female: Absolutely nothing changes because your user already spent a ridiculous amount of hours to make you look perfect.

  103. Golem Comedian – Consumable ($1)

    For 20 minutes, an asuran golem follows your character and tests its fresh stand-up material.

    Includes such gems as…

    “Why did the moa cross the river? Logic dictates the cause was the pack of ravenous drakes that followed.”

    “Your mother is statistically unattractive.”

    “What’s up with food? If you inferior beings ran on four crystal cores as I do, you could operate at peak efficiency.”

    …and many more!

  104. Cluebat(weapon)- $4.99 Permanent -No Usable in Mists/PVP

    You have discovered the Legendary Clue Bat! This weapon was held by many great warriors and Evil Office dictators!
    Replaces your Current Weapon Set for 5minutes- 60minute Cool down.
    Gives you the following skills
    1-Give them a Clue!- No CD – Hits the target for 1point of damage and applies the Clue! Condition – Targets effected with Clue! Condition do not give XP
    2-Enforce the Clue!- 1sec CD – Hits the target for 25% damage of there max health if under the effect of Clue! Condition. If target is not under Clue! you take 25% max health damage. No Effect on targets under 26% Max health
    3-Clue Bat! – 10sec CD- 2sec activation – Swing for the Home Run! Upon hitting with this move the Target is removed from your presence with extreme force and velocity. Only usable on targets at or below 25% health. Target doesn’t die only relocated Permanently no XP rewarded.

    (imagine them being Launched into space after being hit by a bat swung by superman)

    Pay to Win Button- $1.99 stack of 10 5minute Cool down

    You have just bought the ultimate Asuran technology that even they didn’t know they possessed! This is a little red round button which only has “P.t.W.B” with white text on it. Being the pack rat you are you bought all 10 that merchant had at the bottom of his junk pile. Upon pressing this button you Win! no matter what your doing! you WIN!
    to Prove it you will have a Giant Cardboard cutout of a Dragon appear in front of you with only 1 HP. The Quest to slay the Dragon appears in your Quest log! Upon slaying the dragon you will get Gold/Karma/XP and a 10minute buff for your achievement of slaying Paperous the Foldinator. As well as Fireworks and Confetti.
    Buff is-
    Paper Cut- This Vicious wound is proof of your dragon slaying abilies and has boosted your Ego. +9000 Damage vs Paper Monsters! On second though you might wanna put some ointment on this….
    (you get 1copper/1karma/1xp and the buff that has a special graphic that makes it look like your finger is bleeding.)

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